Owen Grows A Chia Pet
by Lord Kristine
Summary: Product placement? Naw . . .


"Owen, come help Lily with her school project!"

With a deep snort, Owen Grady awoke on his living room couch, where he had dozed off by accident. He wiped a puddle of drool off of one of the decorative pillows, hoping that Claire wouldn't notice the dark spot. He stood up, still a little sluggish after his nap, and yawned.

"What did you want me to do?" he asked.

"Help Lily," Claire repeated, "She's doing a project on nutrition, so she needs to grow some plants. The other kids are bringing in animals from hunting trips, and they'll probably win if we don't help her out. She'll be the only vegetarian in the class, so you'd better not screw this up or she'll be humiliated forever."

Owen smirked.

"I've never screwed anything up."

"You have."

"Give me one example of-"

"You broke the swing set, you stepped in a bucket of plaster, you-"

"I said _one_ example."

Claire rolled her eyes.

"Owen, all I need is for you to help her water her beans. Just a little bit every day. Can you do that?"

"Yes."

"Can you do that _properly_?"

Owen crossed his arms.

"Yes! I'll water them super good. I'll _extra_ water them."

"You might overwater."

"You can't _overwater_ a plant."

Claire blinked.

"Okay, I'm canceling my business trip. This is too important."

"It's a kindergarten project."

"Yes, but it's important to Lily. I can't help her if I'm stuck in Peru."

"I know. That's why _I'm_ gonna help her."

"You're going to mess it up."

"I won't!"

"You'll kill her beans."

"It's a simple procedure."

"Says the man who once got his lips stuck in a vacuum cleaner."

Owen grumbled indistinctly.

"Claire, I promise I can do this. You can trust me."

"I _do_ trust you, but you have a tendency to . . . fail."

She paused.

"That came out harsher than I wanted it to. Nevertheless, I'm going to help Lily with her project, or else get Vivian to come over."

Owen groaned.

"Oh, god. Not _Vivian_ . . ."

"I have no choice. If you can't do this-"

"I _can_ ," Owen insisted, "I can and I will. Just watch me."

***C***

The very next day, Lily's bean plant was looking very, very dead. Owen tried to straighten the yellow-green stem, but it was as limp as a soggy breadstick.

"Claire is gonna kill me . . ."

Owen picked up the watering can nervously and drenched the soil. The liquid spilled over the sides of the vase, speckled with bits of dirt. The plant wasn't perking up. Owen knew that plants had to be something called "turgid". This was beyond turgid. This was like limp noodles.

Owen was horrified to discover that during his attempt to salvage the deceased plant, Lily had waddled up behind him. When she caught sight of her poor, wretched stalk, her eyes brimmed with tears.

"Mr. Bean!"

She pulled herself up on the counter and held the pot in her arms like it was a sick baby.

"He's dying, Daddy! What do we do?"

Owen gulped.

"I- I don't know, sweetie."

"I'm going to fail my project! I won't even be able to go to class! All the other kids are gonna have something to show!"

"You can still bring it . . ." Owen muttered weakly.

"They'll _laugh_ at me!" Lily wailed, "They'll think I'm a- a _plant killer_!"

Owen bit his lip as his daughter started bawling her eyes out. He tried to pick her up, but she shoved him away and ran up to her room, slamming the door shut violently. With a deep sigh, Owen picked up the potted plant and dumped it in the trash. After a few minutes of pondering, he gave a determined frown.

"I won't let you down, Lily. I can grow you a plant. Just wait and see."

***C***

A few days later, Lily was awarded a prize for her project. She beamed proudly as the teacher placed a blue ribbon on her pot. With a big smile, she ran up to her father and hugged his leg.

"We did it, Daddy! We won!"

Owen smiled and picked her up.

" _You_ won, Lily. If it had been up to me, things wouldn't have turned out so good."

Owen's phone started ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket and slid his finger along the base.

'Owen?'

"Claire! You'll never believe what happened!"

'You ruined Lily's project?'

"No! The opposite! We won!"

Lily pulled the phone out of his hand.

"It's true, Mommy! We won!"

Claire laughed.

'That's incredible! How did you do it?'

Before Owen could stop her, Lily blurted out his secret.

"We used a chia pet. It's the only thing Daddy is smart enough to grow."

Owen yanked the phone out of her hand.

"RIGHT, WE'D BETTER GET GOING-"

Claire chuckled.

'Oh my god, Owen. Is she serious?'

He hummed.

"Yeah . . ."

Claire snorted.

'Are you sure that's not considered ch-ch-ch-cheating?'

Owen frowned.

"I worked hard."

'Making a project that was designed for a ch-ch-ch-child.'

"Stop doing that!"

'Why? Don't you find it ch-ch-ch-charming?'

Owen rolled his eyes.

"I'm hanging up now . . ."

'Are you sure you don't want to ch-ch-ch-'

He ended the call before she could finish. Lily gave him a questioning look.

"Daddy, are you angry because Mommy thinks you screw things up?"

Owen crossed his arms.

"No. Long distance calls aren't ch-ch-ch-cheap you know."

"You stole her joke."

Owen twisted his mouth.

"Alright, smartypants, why don't you carry your project back to the car?"

She did as she was told. As Owen looked down at the reddish-brown, dinosaur-shaped pot, he had to wonder if his daughter's pride was solely based on his ability to grow a Chia Pet. But as she hugged his neck, he knew that she'd love him no matter what.


End file.
